miedo número dos 1/3

Mi número dos es el miedo a ser una decepción.

“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.” -Thomas Hardy

Being a disappointment is another fear I’ve carried with me for some time now. Whether it is a fear of disappointing my bosses, my professors, my family, my friends, my parents, or myself. Who doesn’t have that aching, nagging fear biting at your conscience every now and again? Just me? Okay. That’s okay you don’t have to tell me. But, hopefully my concerns or explanations can help you in some way shape or form.

Nice random view of my backyard. Por favor, disfrutar.

Nice random view of my backyard feat. my dog. Por favor, disfrutar. Honestly I’m just trying to make this look less boring of a post and hopefully  bring light to this random heavy material I throw at you guys.

One thing I’ve really noticed- today especially- is that at work (I’m doing a federal work study in a children’s library downtown) really challenges me to dig into my creative portion of my brain…into what little part of my brain that is! Anyways, I’ve never worked in a library before, let alone an elite, advanced children’s library like this one. My bosses know this, so I’m in understanding that they probably don’t expect a lot of state-of-the-art ideas right off the bat…considering I’m not even sure where the bathroom is. I’ve honestly just been too anxious to ask- lucky I have a bladder of steel!

But anywho, one of my first projects that I was assigned was to create a flyer that held information about some of the upcoming programs I’ll be starting come March. I’ve never done that before- create a flyer. So of course, it was too cluttered and held too much information, etc., etc., etc. After a few tries on my part, the women I work with were so nice to help teach me how an effective flyer should look like and how to clarify the information. They were extremely nice and supportive of my ideas and helped me incorporate my ideas into a design that worked.

Before I came up with the finished project, I was afraid I was disappointing them with my past fliers. Now, they didn’t show they were disappointed or frustrated at all. In fact, I knew they weren’t. But still, once i left work on those days I felt glum about the fact of potentially disappointing them.

My second project was to layout a schedule of what we would do each week in these programs. I researched for weeks about different activities and felt that I put together a very detailed, do-able list. Today they reviewed it and loved my ideas. They seemed just as excited as I was- after I found out they really enjoyed my list that is! I left work today feeling on top of the world. I felt strong, powerful, healthy, intelligent, and proud that they liked my work. If they would’ve felt differently about my ideas, it would have been the complete opposite.

Second on the list: my professors. I’ve always liked my educators for the most part and really cared about how they felt about me and my work. A lot of my classes are lecture style with a few hundred students, pero mi clase de español is about twenty students. Mi profesora is such a wonderful teacher and she really cares about how we do.

Except this results in me being afraid that I could let her down if I don’t score as well as I should when taking tests. I become overwhelmed about possibly letting her down and disappointing her with my work that I feel like it weighs me down and stresses me out during exams. I find myself being more proud when I do well on a test not because it will really help my grade, but because I won’t let mi profesora down. In this class at least.

It’s odd and ironic because I base my mood off of how other people perceive my abilities and how proud they are of me. I feed off of it in a way. Like work- I am in an exceptional mood when they believe I did a good days work. I base how I do something off of how others view it which is a dangerous fear to have and a harmful trap to fall into. It’s strange because it’s almost as if I don’t trust my own viewpoints and need clarification from an outside source.

Regardless that this seems like a complicated scenario, I believe that this will be an easier fear to overcome with time and effort than with the fear of death. That one is just dark as infierno.

Stay tuned for parts dos y tres about this random, extensive fear that I need to get off my chest.

Muchas gracias ustedes bonitas personas. Ustedes son maravillosos.


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